Category: Life


10,000 Reasons

I have to read 30 pages of Contracts. And Torts… 20 pages, I think. Ok. I can do that by Contracts class at 10:25. Oh. I have to read Civ Pro too…”
In my mind, I recited my list of things to do before class, opened my eyes a minute before 5:20 AM, then began thinking of the research paper I had to edit sometime today.

I couldn’t do it. I knew I had to wake up, but I had no strength. My eyes refused to focus. They stung. Threatened to remain shut if I tried to open them. Eight times I tried to sit up and swing my feet off the bed onto the floor. Eight times I gave up and flopped helplessly back on my pillows.

Four hours later, I finally forced myself to stumble into the shower. After trying to pray for strength repeatedly, and falling asleep each time, I finally mumbled an eloquent “God, please get me through today” as I turned on the water. The squeal of the faucet knobs as I adjusted the water temperature reminded me that I was no longer asleep.

I never read for my first class today.

I haven’t been able to really read anything in a semester, it seems. Everything has been rushed, not fully absorbed.

I could list at least thirty reasons I feel overwhelmed, upset, hurt, inadequate, and as if I am both failing and a failure.

In fact, I think I’ve been indulging myself in coming up with way more than thirty reasons today.

But for those thirty reasons, though they are valid, and I’ve never felt so physically worn, mentally and emotionally worn out, there are at least one hundred more reasons to give thanks.

Give thanks in every circumstance.

“I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength.” (Philippians 4:12-13)

A certain song writer by the name of Matt Redman would say there are 10,000 reasons for praising God.

I don’t know if I will be able to finish law school. I don’t even know if I will be able to get up tomorrow, much less finish writing my paper tonight.

I know that I am on the brink. The abyss is waiting, eager to swallow me whole.

But I also know that my God is stronger than any powers, whether in heaven, earth, or hell; I know that my God calls me his child, regardless of whether I pass this semester; I know that nothing can separate me from His love. I have a million reasons to be thankful. Even if I lose everything, and there is a very real possibility that may happen, I will be found in Him. I will not be lost, for He will always hold me.


“Whatever may pass and whatever lies before me,
Let me be singing when the evening comes.

For all Your goodness I will keep on singing
Ten thousand reasons for my heart to find.

Bless the Lord, O my soul, O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before,
O my soul
I’ll worship Your holy name.”
-10,000 Reasons, Matt Redman

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Worth

Yesterday, I formally rejected an offer of over $100,000 in an academic merit scholarship to St. Thomas University School of Law. That’s almost enough money to pay for half a house!

It has been hard to let it go. Ever since I applied to the school in December, it has been my last choice. I’ve always known there was a very slim chance that I would pass up my first choice school, Regent University School of Law, for St. Thomas…and hence, a slim chance that I would actually use the scholarship.

I know I’ve made the right choice, even though Regent is offering a slightly smaller scholarship than St. Thomas. I know Regent is where I need to be: it has better location, more international opportunities (internships, on-campus employment, the Center for Global Justice, and a chapter of International Justice Mission). But it is still hard to let it go. I keep thinking that I’ve passed up something I’ll never get back.

Then I remember to look at it the opposite way: St. Thomas saw me as worth over $100,000. They saw me as an investment. Someone actually thinks I am worth one hundred thousand dollars… and if THEY thought I was a good investment, and Regent does as well, doesn’t that indicate at least the promise of potential?!

All this thought of measuring one’s worth in material things such as money, setting a price on myself, in a sense, makes me remember what God has said about my worth to him: he loves me and will continue to love me even if I fail him; because of his Son’s death which ransomed my soul (the price of which is higher than anything we can imagine because it is not measured in material things such as gold or silver, but with things above that which money cannot purchase), I am an heir to royalty – I am a child of God; because of God giving me worth, not from any inherent worthiness in myself, I am of more worth to God than any price money could pay.

Have I done the right thing?

Yes.

Will it be easy to move halfway across the country, take out loans for the balance of tuition and living expenses, and start studying something new and unfamiliar?

Probably not.

So what? This is where God has led me, and this is where I am going to go. And I will just forget about the “could have had” attitude: after all, I just kissed $100K away! I have to let it go.